What do you get when you mix an ex British Security Agent, a
school filled with the children of ten richest people in America and a hacker
rebel skater……. You get Masterminds……. What were expecting Paul Blart Mall Cop
Two? No in 1997 two years after what had
appeared to be the final Die Hard Movie.
A movie hit the screen with the tag line “The criminal mastermind of the
century. Just met his match.” To say nothing else to not go into the levels
of depravity and one liners, you can say this movie is cheesy, a Die Hard
light, or Die Hard Rip off. And you
would be right on all accounts. But
either way lets dig into this shit hole of a movie and see if we can’t find a
nugget of gold.
The movie starts out with our main character Ozzie. Ozzie is your typical everyday….. wait what
the fuck is that a dial up internet cloaker program? Ugh already this movie even for it’s’ time
the technology is outdated. A V.23 modem
in 97 was out of date as V.23 ran at 1.2K during a time when 56K was wide
spread and in use. Lets also look at the
fact he is hacking into a MOVIE STUDIO by playing a gaming which is by far the weakest
excuse for security even with a one minute time limit to quote “find the exit”. Even if this was a viable security protocol
WHICH IT ISN’T why in the name of god’s green earth would you make your
security that easy to crack into? You find
out in the morning scene that Ozzie has hacked into the Studio to get a
pre-release copy of Scream 2…….. Wait so
you mean to tell me Dimension Film Studio was hacked into and brought down by a
1.2k modem and a joy stick…….. WOW Movie….. Wow.
That aside, lets continue on shall we. Ozzie after being caught by his father who
just so happens to also be a computer wiz and extremely wealthy……. Okay one
quick point you work as an executive for a multibillion dollar company and best
friends with your boss who owns the company and you can’t afford to have the
latest Technology in your home………….. words they fail me at this point…. Words fail
me.
Ozzie is punished by his step mother Helen who tasks Ozzie
with bringing his step sister to school Shady Glen. Shady Glen a private school for the overly privileged
children of wealthy families, and the place of origin for Ozzie’s misbegotten rebellious
phase. In which we meet Raif (Patrick
Stewart) the new Security consultant to Shady Glen. After one last prank to the security guard at
the gate it is revealed that Raif Bentley has plotted to and has taken over the
school and inadvertently trapped Ozzie in the school also.
The plan is simple siege the school, hold the children of
the ten wealthiest people in America ransom and get away via tunnels once you
have the cash and leave the cops to think you are leaving by demanded
helicopter….. At least the plan in Air
Heads made more sense. Back to the
story, wait the children of the 10 wealthiest people in America go to the same
school. Movie you are making this so
hard for me to show your shining moments.
So Bentley and his band of miscreants siege Shady Glen and
proceed to hold all the children until such a time when a negotiator is called
in. Demands are made and the ransom on
the ten children continues on until the money is delievered. Problem, during this time Bentley and his
crew are being messed with by our Rebelious Anti-Hero Ozzie and his multitool
walky talky…. I would seriously love to
get the specs on this thing cause it did a lot of shit. Had an impressive range, had built in wires
to take control of the the loud speakers, and I am pretty sure it controlled the
TV as well I could be wrong. Through out
these shenanigans ozzie finds himself in the security control room. Which instead of doing something smart like
disarming the school and breaking the terminal
he proceeds to get a few bits of info and lock the door. Really genius boy? You can wire a security system to auto wipe
your hard drive, modify a walky talky into an all purpose tool. Reroute a security camera feed to view porn. But all you can think to do is a get a list of names and lock a door when
you have full access to the school’s security brain. John McLane you are not sir.
Despite all the plot holes and obvious facepalm moments and
out of wack story telling on the director’s part. Masterminds is brainless fun. If you do not pick at it to much and shut off
what you know to be true it is bearable.
The shining moments come from the two leads Patrick Stewart while not
particularly taking the role seriously makes a convincing villain over acted at
times but hey what can you do it was a paycheck right Patrick wink wink nudge
nudge.
Overall I give this move six out of ten. Masterminds tries to take itself seriously
but it fails so hard. I mean can you
honestly tell me that you don’t watch a train wreck as it happens. This is a guilty pleasure for me and I do
find myself watching it from time to time when I am feeling like I need to
watch something to make me laugh.
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